


My crazy life 7

by NordicPossession



Series: Humor [7]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, The Mummy: The Animated Series, Transformers: Prime
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-04
Updated: 2020-02-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:28:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22564753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NordicPossession/pseuds/NordicPossession
Relationships: Friends - Relationship
Series: Humor [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1607026





	My crazy life 7

**Imhotep:** “ESPN. Nothing quite like it. Nothing even comes close. Well, ESPN 2.”  
 **me:** “You know, Imhotep, could you at least look at me before you settle in for three hours of television? I looked at you when I came in.”  
 **Imhotep:** _*Looks up at me.*_ “What's going on?”  
 **Me:** “There you go. That hard?”  
 **Imhotep:** _*looks back at the TV.*_ “Oh, no. Come on. Come on, I can't believe this! Look!”  
 **me:** “Try pressing the on/off button and tapping the cable box with the remote. Now hit the back of the set. Now rub the sides with your hands. Little harder. Getting excited yet?”  
 **Imhotep:** “Oh, you're very funny Luba.”  
 **me:** “Yeah. I know.”  
 **Imhotep:** “You're jealous. That's what you are. Come on, what's going on? I hate this cable company!”  
 **me:** “Come on, Imhotep, it's just television. It's not the end of the world.”  
 **Blee:** _*barges into the room.*_ “Your TV's out, too!? Sweet mother of God!!” _*Goes back upstairs.*_  
 **me:** “Come on, Imhotep......You'll just sit here and wait for the cable to come back on? How long can it be out for? I mean, this is crazy. It's only been two minutes.”  
 **Imhotep:** “Yeah. But if your finger was mashed in a car door, would you say: "It's been only two minutes?"”  
 **Me:** “No because I’d be in pain. Look, why don't we just sit and talk?”  
 **Imhotep:** “Why? What's wrong?”   
**Me:** “Nothing's wrong. When is the last time that you and I just sat here and talked?”  
 **Imhotep:** “The last time that something was wrong.”  
 **Me:** “All right. Just forget it.”  
 **Imhotep:** “Look, Luba, I work all day.  
When I come home, I want to relax.”  
 **Me:** “And talking to me isn't relaxing?”  
 **Imhotep** “Okay. We'll talk.”  
 **Me:** “Great! So go ahead. Start talking.”  
 **Imhotep:** “No.”  
 **Me:** “That's what you always do!”  
 **Imhotep:** “You always say, "Let's talk," and then you throw it to me. If you say, "Let's talk," then you should have topics ready. I'm not good when I'm just expected to talk.”  
 **Me:** “Expected to talk?”  
 **Imhotep:** “Yeah. I'm good with regular talk, you know, like, "These pants are itchy." "Hey, get down from there!” Those things.”  
 **Me:** “but this talking to me is what you have a problem with?”  
 **Imhotep:** “No, I love talking to you.  
Come on, I'd rather talk to you than do anything. Hey, you know what we could do?” _*Imhotep starts to take off his robe.*_ **me:** “No. I don't think so.”  
 **Imhotep:** “I think so.”  
 **Me:** “Why?”  
 **Imhotep:** “Because, It's a man and a woman showing their love for one another. Maybe even showing it downstairs on the couch this time.”  
 **Me:** “I'm not having sex with you just because the cable's out.”  
 **Imhotep:** “That's not just why. I meant to tell you. I wanted to do it when I came in the house. Remember? Come on, you remember. When I looked at you.”  
 **Me:** “All right, I'll tell you what. When the cable comes back on, I will be happy to show my “love” for you.”  
 **Imhotep:** “All right. When that cable comes back on, you got a deal. But I'll be thinking of you until then.”  
 **Megatron:** _*comes downstairs with Maul.*_ “You got TV yet down here?”  
 **Me:** “No. You?”  
 **Megatron:** “I can't stand it. Without cable, I got nothing to live for! Blee is driving me crazy!”  
 **Maul:** “It's like someone went into the ape cage and took out the tire swing.”  
 **Megatron:** “Why can't we just talk to each other Blee?”  
 **Me:** “That's exactly what I've been saying to Imhotep down here!”  
 **Megatron:** “We haven't had a real true heartfelt conversation in 15 years Blee.”  
 **Blee:** “I didn't want to interrupt.  
Hey, you called the cable company yet Imhotep?”  
 **Imhotep:** “No. Didn't you?”  
 **Blee:** “You look up the number, I'll get the phone ready.”  
 **Megatron:** “Get the phone ready?”  
**Me:** “Give me!” _*I try grabbing for the phone that Imhotep’s holding.*_  
 **Imhotep:** _*Tosses the phone to Blee.*_ “Here!”  
 **Blee:** “Oh come on!” _*Catches the phone.*_  
 **Imhotep:** “Look, if the cable company is busy, dial 9-1-1 instead!”  
 **Blee:** “Hello? Yeah, hi. Our cable's out. What?” _*Turns to everyone.*_ “They didn't know about it.”  
 **Imhotep:** “They didn't know about it!? Those lousy people!” _*I slap Imhotep across the face and give him a death glare.*_ “Deep breaths, Imhotep!”  
 **Blee:** “Okay, all right. Thanks.” _*Blee hangs up.*_  
 **Maul:** ”I'll tell you, it's a cop's worst nightmare. Cable goes out, people get edgy. Thank God this isn't the summer. You take away a man's TV during the heat wave you might as well pack up the canned goods and just head for the basement.”  
 **imhotep** “So, who wants to rent a movie tonight?”  
 **Blee:** “That's not a bad idea. It's not TV, but at least you got the TV going.”  
 **Imhotep:** “There you go. You know what movie I wouldn't mind seeing again? Beaches.”  
 **me:** “I would mind that. I would mind that very much. Horrid movie that was!”  
 **Megatron:** “Well, forget about the movie and TV in general. Let's do something else.”  
 **Me:** “Let's play a game.”  
 **Imhotep:** “Oh, yeah?”  
 **Blee:** “Hey, I'd be up for that.”  
 **Megatron:** “Game? That's a very good idea, Luba. It's about time we did something together as a family for once.”  
 **Imhotep:** “You really want to play, like, a board game? I don't like games. Follow the rules, pay attention, wait your turn it's just more work just dressed up like play time.”  
 **Me:** “Come on, Imhotep, I really want to do this!”  
 **Blee:** “Or you know what? We could just sit and talk.”  
 **Imhotep:** “a game shall it be then!!”  
 **Me:** “What does everybody want to play?”  
**Maul:** “How about Scruples?”   
**me:** “No, we don't have that one, Maul.”  
 **Maul:** “I gave it to you for Christmas, two years ago.”  
 **Me:** “Oh, yes. Scruples. Here it is.” _*I grab the game off of the shelf.*_  
 **Maul:** _*grabs the game out of my hands.*_ “Remember this, Luba?”   
**me:** “Yeah, the one in the box.” _*I grab the game out of mauls hands.*_  
 **Me:** “Yeah. Let's play this. Me and Imhotep love this game.”  
 **Maul:** “The shrink-wrap is still on it you lair!! "Gee, thanks, Maul. Thanks for the gift. You have such great taste.” You can't even take off the shrink-wrap to play what I gave you two freaking years ago!!”  
 **Me:** “Come on, Maul.....”  
 **Maul:** “No. I'm fine!”  
 **Megatron:** “Let's just play, shall we?”  
 **Me:** “Okay. Give each player five red cards.”   
**Imhotep:** “What are you doing?”  
**Me:** “I'm reading the rules.”  
 **Imhotep:** “Just play!”  
 **me:** “Give each player five red cards. Each red card has a moral question on it. For example: “”You are hungry and broke, do you steal food?"”  
 **Imhotep:** “Your family wants to play a game, sweetie.”  
 **Blee:** “Do you set yourself on fire to get out of it?”  
 **Me:** “Give each player a blue card with a yes or no answer.”  
 **Maul:** “Okay. Let me do that 'cause I'm good at shuffling cards.” _*grabs the cards and starts shuffling them.*_  
 **me:** "Take turns posing a question to another player. If another player's answer matches your answer card then you get to discard that question.”  
 **Imhotep:** “The object of the game is to discard all of your......”  
 **Me:** “will you stop?”  
 **Imhotep:** “Just start the game. Let's play. That's all.”  
 **Me:** “No, but there's more rules.”  
 **Blee:** “You know what? We'll just learn as we play, Luba. That Okay?”  
 **me:** “All right. Okay. Right. Blee, my question's for you.”  
 **Blee:** “Great. See? This is fun.”  
 **Me:** "You were a famous movie star in the 1950s. But now you are going poor. You are invited to create a ad for a adult diaper for bladder control on TV. Do you create it or not?"   
**Blee:** “Why did you ask me that question? You think I have that problem?”  
 **Me:** “What? No, I just.....”  
 **Blee:** “You think I'm old?”  
 **me:** “No.”  
 **Megatron:** “I need a match and a cup of gasoline so that I can kill myself later on.....”  
 **Blee:** “I'm not answering you, Luba.”  
 **Maul:** “Blee, you're the one who wanted to play this game.”  
 **Blee:** “This isn't play! This is a personal attack!”  
 **Imhotep:** “It's a question, Blee.....and a funny one at that!”  
 **Blee:** “A question about my bladder. And it isn’t funny either!”  
 **Imhotep:** “I'll tell you what he’d do. Not only would he take the money he’d model the damn thing!”  
 **Blee:** “I certainly would not!!”  
 **Megatron:** “I would ad the product if I used them myself.”   
**Maul:** “All right. Could we ask another question? Because I got to knock the last couple of images out of my head.”  
 **Megatron:** “But If you had to use them Blee, you would admit to it?”  
 **Blee:** “It's the right thing to do. But to my family only!!”  
 **Me:** “All of a sudden you have scruples.”  
 **Maul:** “I got scruples, Blee.”  
 **Imhotep:** “I got scruples the size of basketballs!”  
 **Megatron:** “What answer card did you have, Luba?”  
 **me:** “I had a "yes" card, so I guess I lose.”  
 **Blee:** “That's right, you lose. You have to get another card. That's what you get for asking me that stupid personal question!”  
 **Imhotep:** “It's my turn. Oh, this question. This question's for Luba. Someone has taken your umbrella out of the cloakroom. It's a rainy day, and there's another one sitting there. Do you take it?" **Me:** “No. I would not take someone's umbrella.”  
 **Imhotep:** “I wish to challenge you.”  
 **Me:** “Challenge?”  
 **Imhotep:** “Challenge. It's right here in the rules.”  
 **me:** “Oh, that's right. You didn't want to hear the rules. Challenge me all you want.”  
 **Imhotep:** “I get 20 seconds to convince everybody that you're not telling the truth and then you get 20 seconds to lie some more. And then we vote.”  
 **Me:** “Why would I lie?”  
 **Imhotep:** “Why would you lie? I recall a rainy day I was on my way to work and Maul yelled, "Imhotep, don't forget your rubber boots!” But those boots were nowhere to be found. You know why, Luba?”  
 **Me:** “I didn't touch your boots!”  
 **Imhotep:** “When I showed up to work, my coworkers called me "Sasquish.” Because of your thievery, I was humiliated. Victimized. I felt that from that day forward, I would do whatever I had to do to fight you. And so today, I am a thorn in your side. Okay. Now you have 20 seconds. Go!”  
 **me:** “I did not take your rubber boots, Imhotep! That's it. That's all. I'm done.”  
 **Imhotep:** “Time. Shall we vote? Everyone who agrees with me, that Luba the Boot Thief would take someone's umbrella, please raise your hand. Megatron?”  
 **Megatron:** “I can't vote against one of my friends.”  
 **Imhotep:** “Okay. Taking Luba’s side. That's typical.”  
 **Me:** “What are you doing Maul!?”  
 **Imhotep:** “Thank you, Maul.”  
 **Me:** “What is this?”  
 **Maul:** “Come on, Luba. You didn't make much of an argument.”  
 **Me:** “Why would I lie about taking his galoshes?”  
 **Imhotep:** “Well, you lied about how much you love talking to me.”  
 **Me:** “Well, I'm not crazy about it right now, either.”  
 **Imhotep:** “This ain't such a bad game after all.”  
 **Me:** “Oh, so now you're glad we played?”  
 **Imhotep:** “Yes, because not only does this game teach moral values it brings families together. That's what's happening here. And what can be more important than that?”  
 **Blee:** “This question is for Imhotep.”  
 **Imhotep:** “Sure it is.”  
 **Blee:** "Your elderly friend Blee lives all by himself and asks if he can move in with you. Do you agree?"  
 **Imhotep:** “What?”  
 **Blee:** “Your elderly friend Blee lives all by himself and asks if he can move in with you. Do you agree?"   
**Maul:** “Wait a minute. Let me see that card!” _*Takes the card out of Blee’s hand. A fight insues.*_  
 **Blee:** “Don't, Maul. Stop! Wait, Maul! Come on! No! Megatron! Stop it! No! Come on guys!”  
 **Imhotep:** “The actual question is this: A coworker has bad breath. Do you tell them?"  
 **Maul:** “Blee!! You made up a question?”  
 **Imhotep:** “Well, now we know where Luba gets her dishonesty. Am I the only one with truth and justice here?”  
 **Blee:** “Just answer the question Imhotep. Would you take me in?”  
 **Imhotep:** “I'm not answering that question. It's an unofficial question, Blee.”  
 **Blee:** “I'm all alone. Where do I go?”  
 **Megatron:** “Wait a minute. What happened to me?”  
 **Blee:** “You passed away.”  
 **Megatron:** “What? I died? How did I die?”   
**Blee:** “We'll see. The man always dies first, that's just a fact. So do you take me in?”  
 **Me:** “You know, I don't think this is really the time. Right, Imhotep?”  
 **Maul:** “What about me?”  
 **Blee:** “What about you, Maul?”   
**Maul:** “Why can't you live with me when Megatron dies?”  
 **Megatron:** “Excuse me. I'm still here! I'm still in the room!”  
 **Me:** “This is hypothetical, Megs.”  
 **Blee:** “For this question, let's just say I only have one friend.”  
 **Maul:** “What else is new? So what would you do?”  
 **Imhotep:** “All right, Blee, you can come in with us, okay? Can you stop this now?”  
 **Blee:** “That's the answer I wanted to hear. Thanks, Imhotep.”  
 **Me:** “Okay. Let's go on with the game!”  
 **Megatron:** “Maybe it's not that I died. Maybe I just sort of took off. Bought a boat and now I'm sailing.”  
 **Maul:** “With your wife Arachnid.”  
 **Megatron:** “What? The sea air is so invigorating.”  
 **Me:** _*I whirl around on Imhotep.*_ “How can you tell Blee that he could move in here with us!?”  
 **Imhotep:** “So we could keep playing the game, that's all. This great game.”  
 **me:** “He’s going to take it seriously. How can you make such a decision by yourself!?”  
 **Imhotep:** “There was no decision. I was answering a question.”  
 **Me:** “I know you don't like talking to me, Imhotep, but I thought that at least we would discuss it when this situation came up!!”  
 **Imhotep:** “So you're not crazy about him moving in? Okay. I did not know that.”  
 **Me:** “I'm not talking to you anymore tonight.”  
 **Imhotep:** “For the love of crap, I was just kidding Luba!!”  
 **Megatron:** “There's a reason you included my wife in your sick fantasy.”  
 **Blee:** “Yes, to get you mad.”  
 **Megatron:** “Well, I may be killing myself sooner than I planned.”  
 **Me:** “All right. Let's get this over with. This ones for Imhotep! While your wife is off snorkeling, you're relaxing in the resort hot tub. A sexy female stranger starts playing footsie with you. Do you withdraw your foot?" **Imhotep:** _*Does not answer right away.*_ “Yes. of course.”  
 **Me:** “What the hell was that!?”  
 **Imhotep:** “What?”  
 **Me:** “What was that pause before you answered?”  
 **Imhotep:** “I didn't pause.”  
 **Me:** “Yes, you did.”  
 **Imhotep:** “Luba, if I paused, it was just to picture you snorkeling.”  
 **Me:** “Oh you’re so moronic......”  
 **Imhotep:** “You're just mad at me because of the other thing!”  
 **Me:** “What other thing?”  
 **Imhotep:** “Blee moving in with us.”  
 **Maul:** “Is that why Luba followed you in the kitchen, to yell at you a little while ago?”  
 **Imhotep:** “No.”  
 **Megatron:** “Talk about pauses!”  
 **Maul:** “I'll take a lighter and a can of hair spray so that I can kill myself later on!”  
 **Blee:** “What did you say to him in there?”  
 **Me:** “Imhotep’s the one that said it. I'm not saying anything anymore. No more questions coming from me!”  
 **Imhotep:** “When your mother showed up.....”  
 **Me:** “You had a problem with my mother?”  
 **Imhotep:** “A horrible woman!”  
 **Me:** “That woman was a saint!”  
 **Imhotep:** “You let her move in without discussing it with me! She used to sing this: “Inchworm, inchworm measuring the marigolds. Since you enjoy arithmetic you’ll certainly go far my little inchworm, inchworm measuring the marigolds. Seems to me, you'd stop and see how beautiful they are.” To me all the time! You know who used to sing you to sleep with that song?”  
 **Me:** “My mother!”  
 **Imhotep:** “A horrible woman!”  
 **Blee:** “Come on guys!”  
 **Me:** “Why do you always start fighting with me!? She was a saint! I didn't like her one bit because she was a religious looney bin but I still took her in just to be kind and loving towards her, not like some people whom don’t want their friend living with them!”  
 **Imhotep:** “Luba, I love you, damn it! I love you!”  
 **Maul:** “Please, can we play quietly?”  
 **Blee:** “I don't want to play with this group. I've learned too much here tonight.”  
 **Me:** “What are you talking about Blee?”  
 **Imhotep:** “You lied. You made up questions.”  
 **Blee:** “The game is called Scruples. Scruples for fucks sake!” _*The doorbell rings. Imhotep answers it.*_  
 **Cable guy:** “You Imhotep?”  
 **Imhotep:** “Yeah.”  
 **Cable guy:** “I'm from Lindberg Cable.”  
 **Imhotep:** “Oh, finally. Oh, God. This is great! Well, it's not great for Luba.”  
 **Cable guy:** “You've got an illegal cable splitter on your roof sir.”  
 **Imhotep:** “I do?”  
 **Cable guy:** “You didn't know nothing about it? Okay. And it's a real cheap one. That's why your cable service went out.”  
 **Maul:** “Imhotep, I'm surprised at you. You’re becoming a criminal.”  
 **Me:** “What did you do this time Imhotep?”   
**Imhotep:** “I didn't do anything! I don't even know what a splitter is!”  
 **Cable guy:** “It splits your signal and sends it somewhere else.”  
 **Maul:** “And in this case, right up the stairs to that apartment!” _*Imhotep turns and starts leaving.*_  
 **Me:** “Where are you going!?”  
 **Imhotep:** “I was just going to get some cocoa.”  
 **Maul:** “You've been stealing cable?” **Megatron:** “You're stealing cable from your own wife!?”  
 **Imhotep:** “Sharing!!”  
 **Cable guy:** “Look, you seem like you're a nice family. I'm sure you're going to work this all out. But right now you're looking at $2,500 fine. Have a good evening!” _*The guy leaves the house. Imhotep starts jogging towards the other door on the other side of the house.*_  
 **Me:** “You stop right there Imhotep!!” _*Maul trips him.*_  
 **Imhotep:** “It was an honest mistake. Maybe I can make it right. Don't look at me like that. You cannot judge me until you've walked in my shoes!”  
 **Maul:** “That brings up an interesting point, Imhotep. What size shoes would those be? About a 12, right?”  
 **Imhotep:** “So what?”  
 **Maul:** “Imhotep, what size are your boots?”  
 **Imhotep:** “Twelve. Oh shit.....” _*Realizes that it was not Luba who stole his boots but himself hiding them to make it look like Luba had done it.*_ “No more playing games!!!” _*Runs out of the house as fast as he possibly can. I groan.*_  
 **Blee:** “Don't worry. When I move in here, we'll play games all the time!” _*half hour later Imhotep is back inside.*_  
 **Imhotep:** “Okay, now that the cable's back on.....”  
 **Me:** “I'm going to go upstairs and go to sleep.”   
**Imhotep:** All right. Unless you want to collect on our deal we two made earlier!”  
 **Me:** “Not a chance you thieving lying scumbag!!”


End file.
